are you stupid?

When I say I am having a bad day, it is not too wise to go on about how well YOUR day is going. What makes you think I give a shit?

out of my mind

Just tell me I'm not crazy.
That's all i need to hear.

Strange dream.

So I just woke up from one of my overly detailed, disturbing dreams. I get one like every six months.

I don't remember how it began. But I was tied, gagged, and blindfolded (not in the sexy way!) and thrown into a pile of other bodies. I managed to lift the blindfold up a bit and saw that everyone else was the same way, bound and blindfolded. I also saw there were 5 or 6 guys in trench coats and sunglasses, wielding M16's. We were all being taken in groups of four into a room where they were going to kill us. I don't know how. I remember thinking, "This is it, I'm going to die".
I saw one of the guys approaching us, so I fixed my blindfold and waited. A couple people around me were pulled away, and I was next. I spit the gag out somehow (apparently I'm an escape artist in my dreams) and asked the guy dragging us into the next room if I could use the bathroom. I don't know why I asked that. The guy looked at me funny, and I said, "If I'm going to die, I'd like to use the bathroom one last time". The guy nodded and pushed me towards another door. It was a small, poorly lit bathroom with candles on the walls and two stalls. I went into the corner and started having a mental breakdown.
I noticed there was four other people in there. A girl with black hair, a really tall blonde skinny girl, an overweight guy, and some nerdy looking guy with glasses. The blonde girl, for whatever reason, was looking into the mirror and doing her hair. The other three looked just as scared as I did. I motioned to them and we came up with a plan to take out the guards in the hallway. The blonde girl shrieked at the top of her lungs to alert the guards. Two came in and we beat the shit out of them. The one me and the blonde girl were working on was pretty entertaining. We smashed his head against the sink like five times. Part of the radiator was coming off, so I pulled at it hard and used it to beat him further. The other three took out the other guard, and we made our way into the hallway. We started untying people and taking out all the guards. I remember saying, "There's more of us than there are of them!" I'm so cool.
We finally made it outside. People were praising the lord and all that. We got bombarded with news people and then I woke up.

Just felt like writing about that.

...

What the fuck do I want anymore?

Now what?

Right now I have very mushy thoughts. Liked mashed potatoes, only not as tasty.

Am I lonely? Not technically. I have a lot of friends, I have people who are there for me no matter what. So why do I feel like this? I was a whiny emo kid when I was fourteen up until I was about seventeen. I thought I dropped that phase. Why can't I just control my emotions normally like everyone else does?

I don't like writing about this stuff because it makes people turn away from me. It doesn't make me look good. It makes people say, "Oh jeez, better not get involved here, this girl's a mess". But I'm not a mess, not really. I'm still learning. Everyday.

I used to think I had myself so god damn figured out. But who the hell am I? I'm one person to my friends, another to my family, another to my co-workers, and another to strangers. I guess you could say I'm also another to myself. I don't remember who I was a year ago. I wish I could. Right now I'm going to try. I remember being able to believe. I'm not saying I'm completely negative now, 'cause I'm not. I tend to be a wishful thinker, and that's usually ALL anything is - wishful thinking.

I remember being able to look at someone, and say to myself, "I want to have a future with this person". I thought I had it all figured out. Obviously, I was dead wrong. I miss that. I miss the comfort and stability in knowing I had someone to be with for the rest of my life. Maybe that's pushing it. I dunno, it felt real to me. It WAS real. Do real things even last? All these questions in my head.

I started thinking about all the people I've had in my life that have come and gone. And then I take a look at my friends. Some of whom have helped me out in ways they will never understand, or even know about. Will they be gone in a couple years too, like the others? Am I constantly going to be going through different cycles of friends? There are certain people I'd prefer not to lose.

There is also the fact that I don't do anything constructive with my life. Tonight I got home, sat in front of my laptop, opened AIM/facebook, and then sat there thinking, "now what?" Those two little words have been buzzing in my ears lately. Now what? I want to do something. I want to pursue something. I need a new, positive experience in my life. This is getting tedious. I want something exciting to talk about, to write about, to dream about.

Also, why the hell do I feel the need to actually acknowledge that I'm thinking about all this? Most people I know can and would just brush it off without a second thought. But oh no, not me. I must ponder and ponder until I realize I am getting nowhere with all my pondering.

Or am I?

Is that what you call a getaway?

You know that one person that's been there for your entire life, the one you could not possibly imagine yourself living without? The one you thought would never leave?



Yeah. He left.



I don't even know what to do. I want to be able to throw away the last six years of my life. It doesn't even seem like six years. It feels like so much longer. He meant so much to me. He was everything.



Today's lesson: Don't ever make someone your everything, because when that person leaves (which they will), you'll be left with nothing.

First post.

"What the hell? Chelsie has a blog?"

Yeah, it's true. What else am I going to do with my spare time? Who else am I going to tell the things that no one cares about to? Seriously, why the hell am I even making this? Maybe it's because I always feel the need to tell people about the things going on in my life, and I'm hoping someone will read this, respond, and actually care. Maybe it's because I want something to be able to look back on in the future and see how I've changed.

Maybe I'll write this post and then not touch it ever again. We shall see.