Now what?

Right now I have very mushy thoughts. Liked mashed potatoes, only not as tasty.

Am I lonely? Not technically. I have a lot of friends, I have people who are there for me no matter what. So why do I feel like this? I was a whiny emo kid when I was fourteen up until I was about seventeen. I thought I dropped that phase. Why can't I just control my emotions normally like everyone else does?

I don't like writing about this stuff because it makes people turn away from me. It doesn't make me look good. It makes people say, "Oh jeez, better not get involved here, this girl's a mess". But I'm not a mess, not really. I'm still learning. Everyday.

I used to think I had myself so god damn figured out. But who the hell am I? I'm one person to my friends, another to my family, another to my co-workers, and another to strangers. I guess you could say I'm also another to myself. I don't remember who I was a year ago. I wish I could. Right now I'm going to try. I remember being able to believe. I'm not saying I'm completely negative now, 'cause I'm not. I tend to be a wishful thinker, and that's usually ALL anything is - wishful thinking.

I remember being able to look at someone, and say to myself, "I want to have a future with this person". I thought I had it all figured out. Obviously, I was dead wrong. I miss that. I miss the comfort and stability in knowing I had someone to be with for the rest of my life. Maybe that's pushing it. I dunno, it felt real to me. It WAS real. Do real things even last? All these questions in my head.

I started thinking about all the people I've had in my life that have come and gone. And then I take a look at my friends. Some of whom have helped me out in ways they will never understand, or even know about. Will they be gone in a couple years too, like the others? Am I constantly going to be going through different cycles of friends? There are certain people I'd prefer not to lose.

There is also the fact that I don't do anything constructive with my life. Tonight I got home, sat in front of my laptop, opened AIM/facebook, and then sat there thinking, "now what?" Those two little words have been buzzing in my ears lately. Now what? I want to do something. I want to pursue something. I need a new, positive experience in my life. This is getting tedious. I want something exciting to talk about, to write about, to dream about.

Also, why the hell do I feel the need to actually acknowledge that I'm thinking about all this? Most people I know can and would just brush it off without a second thought. But oh no, not me. I must ponder and ponder until I realize I am getting nowhere with all my pondering.

Or am I?

Is that what you call a getaway?

You know that one person that's been there for your entire life, the one you could not possibly imagine yourself living without? The one you thought would never leave?



Yeah. He left.



I don't even know what to do. I want to be able to throw away the last six years of my life. It doesn't even seem like six years. It feels like so much longer. He meant so much to me. He was everything.



Today's lesson: Don't ever make someone your everything, because when that person leaves (which they will), you'll be left with nothing.

First post.

"What the hell? Chelsie has a blog?"

Yeah, it's true. What else am I going to do with my spare time? Who else am I going to tell the things that no one cares about to? Seriously, why the hell am I even making this? Maybe it's because I always feel the need to tell people about the things going on in my life, and I'm hoping someone will read this, respond, and actually care. Maybe it's because I want something to be able to look back on in the future and see how I've changed.

Maybe I'll write this post and then not touch it ever again. We shall see.